This Week’s Winners: It’s Easier to go to Jail Than You Think!

  1. A former Santa Fe, New Mexico Po Po (lemme tell you why he’s former law enforcement) is discovered allegedly masturbating and talking lusty (I guess, to himself and a photo of a naked girl) in his patrol car. Apparently, that’s frowned upon! (Who knew) Now, Policemen, we know you are our finest, but tell that one Po Po brother to get a room! The headline read, Copping a Feel. Now, this particular Po (I mean, Policeman) has been in arresting-quality trouble before; but, allegedly, he’ll only get probation for this latest infraction (I read that the misdeed will indeed have a tad more misdeeds added to it to round out the full description.)
  2. Secret Service Men (not the alleged ones below, I imagine) would like to talk to musician Ted Nugent about his ranting, offensive, treason-ish, threatening, violent remarks made to a crowd of people, against the President of the United States, the Vice President, Cabinet Members, etc. His remarks, I suppose, were made in an effort to support his choice of Presidential Candidate, and likely Republican nominee, Mitt Romney (who was happy to have Nugent’s endorsement. Today he’s rethinking). But what-in-the-world was Nugent thinking? (And sadly, too many Americans have been thinking it.) (Oh, I know—instead of threatening to kill/hurt/malign in statements and in deeds/disrespect anyone who disagrees with you—let’s kill racism, bigotry, mean-spirited comments and deeds, and plain old bad manners).
  3. Horny Secret Service Men and Military members of our Armed Forces with their eye, and alleged peckers, off the prize—i.e., protecting the President, allegedly met up with alleged hookers in Columbia. Now Fellas, here’s an instance where, perhaps, masturbation would have been best. (I’m not promoting, just saying.) And reports say that perhaps it was eleven SSM involved? If true, just what does that constitute? I mean, as a woman, I don’t know. Does 11 men, traveling in a pack, get horny all at the same time, and make the same stupid decision together? Or does it infect, one-at-a-time, like a STD? Is it a horny gang of cohorts? Seriously, I am hopeful these allegations are not true.
  4.        A Russian Doctor in Moscow allegedly got pissed off in a dealership and instead of heading to the complaint counter, headed for a dealership loaner car and allegedly demolished the showroom, filled with alleged new cars. (Forgive me, but “Tee Hee” –for I’ve been there and felt like doin’ that! It was the vision of a strip search/squat-and-cough that held me at bay.)
  5.       Okay—who put the makeshift meth lab (aren’t they all makeshift?) inside an Alabama Walmart restroom. And get this, re: a Walmart restroom , it’s not the first time that’s happened. (What the H.E. double-Hockey-Sticks were you thinkin’?) (I hate cooking—especially in the bathroom.)
  6.     Former presidential hopeful, who likes expensive haircuts, and cheated on his dying wife, faces charges and possible jail time for (let’s say it together, children) alleged campaign violations. Hmmm.
  7.     Pippa and a Pistol in Paris. Pippa, are you going to jail for brandishing a pistol as a stupid prank (be it Live or Memorex)? Hear-tell, Paris has very, very strict gun laws. (Somebody could have mistaken you for someone with brown skin and shot first/thought about it, second. [But maybe they don’t do that there.]) But you’re in luck. Last reportedly, the police plan to play hear no evil; see no evil, just because it’s Pippa—and apparently, she was just being a pip, anyway! But, hey you, local friends and family, don’t you try to pull that prank at home! ‘Cause your behind might go straight to the pokey—or worse.
  8.     A 25-year-old woman is charged with fraud for allegedly continuing to receive her government assistance, after she won a sizable Lottery award. (Really? In all that excitement, you couldn’t remember to call and stop the government check? Well, I understand that. I forget to call a lot of people—and it has gotten me into near-trouble in the past. She says she’s fighting the charge.)
  9.     Okay. In Georgia, a 6-year-old kindergartner was handcuffed and led away by police to stop her allegedly uncontrollable temper tantrum. The first reports relented that she was charged or going to be charged with something (Sorry, I first heard the report in my sleep. And, yes, I do listen to the news, while sleeping). Later reports leveled that no charges were going to be filed. She was handcuffed (with hands behind her back) for her own safety. (I don’t know, but did somebody ask that child a math question? I know that’s what always set me off!)
  10.    Gun-toting Granny has a gang. (That’s it. That’s all. I don’t want her gunning after me.)
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