This Week’s Winners: It’s Easier to go to Jail Than You Think!

1. New Jersey mom, described as a Really Tanned Mom, was arrested for allowing her five-year-old daughter to be tanned (along with mom). Tanning for children, age 13 and under, is illegal in New Jersey. The mother says she merely took her daughter with her, who stayed in a common area (while her mama got fried). , and it’s all a misunderstanding. Right now, all signs point to yes. But did you see the mom? (Respectfully, a ray of help is needed somewhere. But I’ll be gosh darn, if that lady’s not getting her fifteen minutes of sun-fame, anyhooo. Hey God, what-up-wit’that? Huh? Do You really think that’s fair?)

2. And speaking of misunderstandings, Re: the retrial of Rodger Clemens, Andy Pettitte—Clemens’s former friend and teammate, said that perhaps he misunderstood his friend say he took steroids and human growth hormones. (You know, perhaps Clemens said, “Do you think my butt looks too big in this uniform? Oh, I know, I’ll take a couple of laxatives tonight.” I mean, I could see Andy zoning out of the conversation the minute Roger directed him to look at his butt. Lord-only-knows what he heard after that. (Oh well, big boys and their balls — baseballs, basketballs, footballs, tennis balls, hockey balls [I mean, pucks] — you gotta love’em! I do.)

3. Medicare fraud, a reportedly 107 counts of it, in seven cities. That’s phony claims made by otherwise law-abiding citizens; doctors, nurses, owners of healthcare facilities, oh my! (Can you say, “$452 million worth”?)

4. Texting when you’re driving/steering a huge Barge, and a Duck boat filled with tourists. This caused a deadly accident in Philadelphia. (I wonder if the men at the helms of these boats thinks “sorry” is enough.)

5. A Valet guy taking a spin in somebody else’s car. (Oh, I know you’ve seen it done, classically, in the movies, but …life imitating art can land you in the pokey if you’re not careful.)

6. Greedy councilmen! (Okay, I hate to turn this into an about-me moment, but this just happened in Washington, D.C., y’all, and the scene that played out in the courtroom, at the sentencing, is the exact scene that played out in the Preface of the novella, The Prison Plumb Line. Check out Delta Dover’s upbringing and fall. Of course, I do pray for this councilman’s family, especially his mother, who’s heartbroken and going, I don’t understand, but the similarity gave me chills.)

7. Former Presidential candidates/adulterers, and their helpers. (Oh that’s right, the helpers a million dollars for their help, and got immunity for their ratting out/testimony. Snitches get stitches, y’all. That’s a little poem I learned from my former inmate friends.)

8. A new study reports that marijuana use has gone up eighty percent among teens. (No comment. I don’t know if I’m jealous or appalled. I just know that my typing fingers are shaking. [Oops, that’s a comment.])

9. Administering/injecting free-flowing silicone into the behinds of women—not happy with the behind that God, and their mama gave them—in a hotel room, not even a hospital. And reportedly, the silicone wasn’t even good! (I mean, C’mon, just how unhappy could you be to fall for that stupidness [is that a word]?)

10. Road rage, people, road rage—it’s making murderers and fugitives out of some people, victims out of others and landing some folks in jail, at the very least. (Take a Tylenol before you get behind the wheel of the car. Self-talk (yourself down off that ledge), and resign yourself into thinking that if you’re running late, the good stuff ain’t happenin’ until you get there, anyway. [Even if that ain’t true, isn’t it better than landing in jail, the hospital or the morgue? Dummy!])

11. Getting charged for embezzlement of a Fire Department’s funds, after (I-say-after) you died. (Now just where do they plan to hold this trial? Who’s digging up the restitution? I mean it gives fresh meaning to the phrase, “I’m coming over there, and I’m takin’ it outta your ass!” [Lord knows, I’ve said that before!]) (Technically, perhaps, this guy’s going to Heaven Gate’s Jail or to the Jail-of –the-hereafter.)

Have you ever once thought, There, but for the Grace of God, go I? Well, start thinkin’ it. Start thanking God and start thinking before you act because—It’s Easier to go to Jail Than You Think!